Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m running–as though I were on fire. I’m in a constant state of panic, working hard to get ahead, trying to keep creditors at bay, and trying not to have a total meltdown in the process. The crazy thing is that, if I were on fire, running would be the last thing I should do. Sadly, when someone is plagued with fear and anxiety, their ability to think rationally, is diminished.
The issue is that my problems are not imagined, they are tangible–very real. I have always been responsible with money but I cannot manifest dollar bills out of thin air. It doesn’t matter how hard I work, either. As soon as I begin to get a few steps ahead of the curve, something (or someone) comes along to thrust me backward.
This is not about blame-shifting or ‘whining’. I’m really just musing at the way life can catapult some people forward (even some who are categorically undeserving), seemingly before they’re ready, and others–like me–are kept chasing life no matter how diligently we labor. I am mystified. Still, I never give up. More importantly, I won’t allow myself to become bitter, nor do I choose to wallow in the mire of self-pity. I, and many others like me, press on.
What keeps us from giving up? Many people have concluded that this life is just too damn hard and not worth living. They opt for a permanent, even fatal outcome. Of course that makes me sad, but it also causes me to wonder ‘what is the difference?’ Why do some of us choose to keep going–against insurmountable odds–while others throw in the towel? I don’t have an answer because I feel there is more than one cause. Some people have a predisposition toward hopelessness, for others the issue my be chemical or hereditary. Or maybe–just possibly–they call the loss just before something magnanimous or miraculous happens.
One thing is certain. As far as it depends on me, I will choose to live. So now, I have set my mind to the task of calculating the steps I must take to avoid running on fire. One thing has become apparent to me and that is, no matter how long or hard the fight is, I have to be willing to stop in the middle of the chaos and break, before my body breaks me. In other words, I will have to treat my life, the same way I treat my ‘to-do’ list and realize that some things will simply have to be resolved at a later date.
Today was the first day in weeks that I slept in and chose not to work–no chores, no errands, no work of any kind. I’m not Jewish but I really think their idea of a Sabbath makes more sense than I’ve previously realized. I have to silence the noise of unfinished projects, calls from creditors, and demands on my time and energy–even if that means putting friends or family ‘on hold’, temporarily. I must recharge and restore. More importantly, this is not something I can expect to happen for me. It is something I must consciously choose.
Goodbye for now. I need rest.
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