Jamie Kristen

“Strap in, kids. This is a long one…”
Nobody really talks about what a stigma a woman carries after divorce. I’m not suggesting men don’t experience fallout and prejudice, but I am convinced women have it worse. When a woman has the courage to leave a detrimental relationship, even if leaving will pose new challenges and compounded issues, she also has to prepare to be judged. 

Ever since my first divorce (that’s right–it’s happened more than once) women have treated me differently and men look down on me. Of course there are exceptions but I’m not talking about them.  I have had women, who should be supportive, looking at me as competition as though they must protect their husbands from me. This is absurd to me. Many women who have come out of abusive relationships will tell you that they are not interested in other women’s husbands, or most any man for that matter. 

What I really wasn’t prepared for is how the second divorce knocked the wind out of me. Here I had spent 18 years in a traumatic gilded prison, showing the world a happy marriage while I was slowly dying. When I finally found the courage to escape, when I determined that any loss I would sustain would be less painful than continuing to allow this damaging relationship to continue, I was temporarily relieved. I also had serious trust issues. I had a long road of healing ahead of me and, although I was in recovery, there was hope that maybe someday I would get a second chance at happiness.

Well when I met husband #2 and we started dating, I believed he was my fresh start. Mostly because he kept telling me he was. He also told me he was a good man, God brought him to me so I would be treated the way I should have been all along. And so on. I do recall thinking it was strange that he had to tell me he was a good guy but he had also been a victim of abuse so that tracked.

While I truly believe he was a victim of abuse, he also displayed covert narcissistic behavior. I know that now; sadly I didn’t know then. My friends, family and children all liked him, too, so I reasoned that the signs I was seeing were either all in my head or the kind of relationship challenges that “normal” people experienced. My family also watched in horror as I got dragged down, further and further—again. I went from renting a huge 4-bedroom house in a nice neighborhood–and taking care of my children and I–with no help from their father–to being homeless and jobless. That was a huge setback in my healing process and it left me wondering where I had gone wrong.

It wasn’t his fault. Nothing was ever his fault. The relationship was definitely different than my first marriage. Yet, somehow I wound up with the same symptoms: drowning, suffocating, hopeless, with an overwhelming feeling of being trapped. So if it wasn’t his fault that I kept losing everything and feeling badly, it must be mine. 

When I finally concluded that I had done everything imaginable to “fix” the situation and caught him in a black-and-white lie–just one of so many–I made the decision to end the relationship. I can imagine that people who did not know me well were inclined to judge me for getting divorced, especially for the second time. What I could not figure out was why they had no issues “supporting” him but they were decidedly not there for me. 

The part that still boggles my mind is that I had spent two years building a community in this new city–where we had relocated to be closer to his kids. He had put in zero effort to meet people, get into counseling or build any kind of support system. As soon as I told him I was done, he all-of-a-sudden started aggressively amassing a support system, mostly made up of people I had been building relationship with. Needless to say, I no longer associate with some of those people but it was baffling to witness the shift.

I am not even saying that it’s “just me”. I have spoken to dozens of other women who have found themselves in a similar situation and it’s time our society–our country–examine and adjust this way of thinking. Imagine what the women in this country could accomplish, if they were given the benefit of doubt? Imagine how far women could go and how our talents could flourish if we were not misjudged and held back at every turn? I am not asking that anyone give women something they have not earned. I am hoping that we can grant women the same decency and options–especially the right to change direction and create a fresh start–as our male counterparts. 

If you still question whether or not you believe what I am saying, I challenge you to say: “He is a divorcee,” and then “She is a divorcee.” Now ask yourself if you do not feel any differently about the object of each sentence.