Do you know what a Virginia opossum, a Hognose snake, and some rabbits have in common? Their default defense mechanism, when fearing/feeling attacked, is to “play dead”. As humans, the inclination toward this behavior can be compelling but the end result is usually not so favorable. While many of us want to avoid conflict and trials, running away or going into seclusion (my go-to) often have an unintended result and are even counterintuitive. If the desire is to not be hurt, isolating from others can actually do more harm than good. Modern psychology is telling us to take care of ourselves and protect ourselves which we ought to be doing. However, that is only a partial solution.
Looking at the human race from a strictly scientific point of view, we are a communal species. We joke and post memes about withdrawing from society but that is mainly to maintain a sense of humor regarding something that is much more disturbing. In reality, we need social interaction but historical precedence has made us anxious about entering community. If the ultimate, innate goal of group living is survival and protection, then we as a species are not functioning as created. Many of us have been alienated and even attacked by the same groups that were intended to support us. Believe me. I get it.
So, where does that leave us? Tired of believing the best about people, only to be disappointed again and again. Weary from remaining hopeful that “this time will be different.” Beaten down from finding ourselves scrutinized by our circle of influence, shamed for every perceived wrong thing we have done, and needing a “break” from people, as a whole. We have failed each other. The good news is that we are rational beings, capable of assessing a situation, identifying obstacles, and overcoming them. We are capable.
The craziest part of the human equation is that, others are not our greatest challenge. With the exception of true sociopaths, we have the ability to feel and carry shame when we err. How many times in your life have you heard–or do you hear–“You ought to be ashamed…?” Hearing this even one time is too many. Most of us do not need reminders to feel shame.
Lately, the topic of shame has been heavy on my mind. I have said and done things I regret–it’s part of the human experience. I’ve discovered that what differs from person to person, is shame. I suffer from Pothole Shame–the kind of regret that festers until it’s a crater, you fall into. Just like real potholes, this shame can cause temporary and long-term damage. At least in my case, it can throw off my alignment leaving me completely off-balance. We are more limited by our own fears and shame than by the attacks–perceived or real–from others. So playing dead seems like the best option because it is profoundly easier than experiencing pain.
Some people fall, experience a temporary lull (if any), and then get right back up. I aspire to be more like that. People have called me resilient which I find amusing. I don’t feel resilient. I feel exhausted but I choose to bounce back. It’s not a bounce so much as peeling myself off the ground and forcing my broken body to a standing position so I can fight another day. Can you relate?
My commission to myself is to get back up when I feel myself plummeting into shame, pain, and darkness. I need to stop and think before isolating. Do I really need to step back? Maybe I do. Am I withdrawing because I feel attacked, ashamed, or hopeless? If that’s the case, it may be time to press in, find or change my support system, and get back in the ring.
Keep fighting, friends.
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