I woke up from a bad dream–a really bad one–and my anxiety immediately went through the roof. Why is this? Why can’t I get control over it? Why can my conscious mind not reason away the doubts and fears created by my subconscious mind? Why do I allow the dark thoughts of night to seep into my daytime beliefs?
I am not a psychologist so I can only offer a lay-person’s viewpoint. I barrel toward feelings and beliefs that keep me ensnared. We run back to the familiar. There’s a proverb that says, (paraphrased) “…even a dog returns to its own vomit.” There’s a gut-twisting visual image! Humans may be standing around, screaming at the canine, begging it to “step away!” and “don’t do that!” No matter how well-fed and intelligent, the dog’s innate–its carnal–instincts will kick in and it will devour the waste.
Sometimes I can clearly see the irrational source of my fears, as though looking through a freshly polished window. Even then, I cannot seem to will myself to turn away, to dwell on positivity and belief. I cannot stop myself from wading through the mucky pond of trepidation and concern over what might happen. I return again and again to the mire of doubt and pain. I consistently revisit the puerile belief that something bad will happen–because it “always” does.
So, what do I do with this? Is there a way out of this impossible maze of emotion? Is it possible to grasp the terror by the throat and force it into submission? I believe the outcome–and the path there–is unique to each individual. We are bombarded with how-to manuals, apps and websites promising health and wellness. These things may work for some–hell, even most–people. That doesn’t mean they work for everyone. Each person has an individual responsibility** to find their own path to peace. We can help each other and offer support but we cannot make another person find peace.
For me? I will sit in the quietness of my personal space. I will breathe slowly in and out. I will read my affirmations and focus on reality–on tangible things–that which is real, in this dimension. I will allow my mind to think the thoughts, I will acknowledge them (whether they are truth or fiction) and then I will tell them where to go.
I hope you are able to pulverize the dark thoughts today. There is always hope–even if you can’t see or feel it. Isn’t that kind of the whole point of hope*?
Mad love, friends.
P.S. As we head into a season that brings many of us to our lonely knees, may you know you are absolutely never alone.
*If you are struggling and/or having thoughts of suicide, please text or call 988*
More on PTSD here
*Hope (faith) is “…the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see.”–The Message, Hebrews 1:1
**Our society is teaching us to despise the word responsibility. Make no mistake–this isn’t about laziness. It’s about control. When we allow someone or some entity to have control over things that are our responsibility, we inadvertently give them control over our lives. My hope for you is that you realize responsibility is not just some burden to offload. Responsibility is a right and a privilege. We own our responsibilities and there is freedom in knowing that. No one can or should conduct you–you have autonomy over yourself. It is a right and a privilege.
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