Jamie Kristen

A Retrospective With Hope

Disclaimer: If your life is sunshine and roses, you may not relate to this article. But I am confident you know someone who is feeling desperate and alone. Be the light for them.

I woke up this morning consumed with a feeling I didn’t recognize–bliss.

For over thirty years, the month of August has always creeped into my life with a dark cloud in its wake. It took me years to realize this phenomenon was even happening. Let alone why. But now. Something has shifted.

• August 14th 1993: I was just eighteen. Got cornered and screamed at by my abuser on our wedding day. Obliterated my elation along with my special wedding makeup–photographic evidence of the terror and tears are forever etched in my memory.
• August 20th 1993: Lost one of my first cousins to cancer, just shy of his 21st birthday, while I was on my honeymoon (again being yelled at by my new husband).
• August (something) 1994: Finally broke down–after more than a month and a half as a 19-year old, new mother–and begged my husband for help with the baby. I was severely breaking down, physically and emotionally. He violently shook my newborn in his attempt to “quiet her.” I never asked him for help again. I was still technically married but painfully parenting alone.
• August 10th 2010: Left my abuser after 18 years of oppression, only to begin the most monstrous fight of my life. There was no healing in sight–only more bitter darkness and fearful trembling.
• August 3rd 2018: I lost my first real favorite job (in Texas).
• August 24th 2018: Escaped a stalker (Husband attempt #2–who assured me he was different than my ex had been). Ran for my life (again) to Nashville, TN (from TX) for a fresh start. He followed me.
• August 8th 2024: Helped my daughter reach a financially life-changing settlement in a civil court case.
• August 9th 2024: Parted ways with the same daughter (it seemed drugs and ex-boyfriend trumped “Mom”)

I could go on but it’s a bit ridiculous, I feel confident I’ve made my point and I’d rather focus on the here and now.

Some months ago, for numerous reasons, I came to the realization that it was time for a major change. After almost a decade in the beautiful South, I made an easy-difficult decision to move back to my birthplace, to be near (most of) my beautiful family and my Pacific blue. While leaving my beloved Nashville was excrutiatingly painful, I missed my amazing family so much more.

Not even two weeks ago (in July–I’m aware), I was elated to reunite with my beloved youngest daughter, for whom I have fought so hard. I held my perfect granddaughter and hugged my amazingly kind, future son-in-love. My mending heart is still full, two weeks later.

For the very first time since 1993, the first day of August came and went and I almost didn’t notice. No dark clouds. No despair, fear or chest-crushing pain from the past coming to consume me for weeks on end.

I don’t like to offer detail, because I am a fairly private person. I am comfortable saying that something new and unimaginable is happening to me. For the first time in my entire adult life, I truly feel seen and heard. I feel an expanse of possibility to rival the breadth of the horizon across the picturesque Pacific Ocean. I feel hopeful for what the future holds. I feel bliss.

Am I trepidatious? Yes, I am. Do I feel quaking fear that this is all been a cruel joke and I will be left alone in the middle of a mocking crowd. I do.

But here is what I’ve learned:

• I can not now–nor have I ever been able to–control the actions of others. I can control my own actions.
• Whether life is going well or I feel like I’m in a dark well, I can choose hope, faith and love.
• Life is not decided in what I do in the heat of any given moment. It happens in my mind, first and that is where I must negotiate, wrestle and plan for the life I desire.
• If I spend my energy focused on the pain inflicted on me, I will draw more pain to myself. The converse is also true. If my focus is directed toward the positive, I will be a magnet for positivity.
• I can not change the past or how it has inadvertently affected me but I can change how I feel about it.
• I cannot devote my energy to the popular myth, “You deserve(d) better.” Life is not transactional. We don’t always get what we give. Awful people often get things they don’t deserve, while blessings are often withheld from good people. My hope does not rest in what others or I think I deserve. My hope is in my Creator and the blessings promised to me, before I was conceived.
• I will never be able to stop dark clouds from coming for me. I can fight with everything I have to remain in the Light.

Final thoughts:

I hope good things come your way. Whether individuals are deserving or not, I will always want them to be blessed, healthy, happy and loved. Rarely in my life have I ever wished evil on anyone. So far, it has served me well. If you want the world around you to improve, hang on, don’t give up and keep looking for light. Sometimes the Dawn is just on the other side of an immense, Dark chasm. You might not be able to see it from where you currently stand but it is there, nevertheless.

Don’t close your eyes–this is not the end of your story. You will never see the light fighting its way through the dark clouds if you are not looking for it. If you need some encouragement, reach out. I’ll be over here, doing the same.

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*If you are struggling and/or having thoughts of suicide, please text or call 988*